The Alternative to Cock.

How the hell do you write a Historical Romance with hot scenes without using the word 'cock'?

I will tell you how. With great bloody difficulty! Lets face it, the word 'cock' is in every MM novel we have ever read, and as an author who has written quite a few books now, I am very familiar with cock!

Right from the outset, I knew this book had to be different. Not just in the way the story is told, or the plot, or the way it transmutes into something completely unexpected half way through. No. It was the sex. The sex had to be different. But before I explain, I would like to share with you a picture of my shaved cock.

This book is set in the 1800's, a time when sex was hidden, and certainly not talked about. As such, in order to try and capture the feeling of the era and immerse the reader in Victorian London, I made the decision early on to write the book in the language of the time. While I did not go as far as writing in old English, I did try to ensure that the language used was proper and correct, so that meant no slang, no contractions, and no modern terminology at all, so when it came to the sex scenes, this presented a particular problem. The word 'fuck' was out. While it was used in Victorian times, it was largely used by the lower classes and would not fit the gentlemen portrayed in the story. Neither would the use of the word 'cock'. This presented a unique dilemma, because I really wanted the sex scenes to be real and meaningful, but also very sensual and erotic.

Now I like the word 'cock'. Who doesn't? Suck my cock. Yep, does it for me every time. But this book is different. It needed to stand out, and it needed to be absolutely faithful to the era and the standing of its characters. So I had to find alternatives.

So began my research. Now, I love this part of the process, because you never know what you will come across...excuse the pun...and it always sets my imagination on fire when I start. However, on this occasion, I found some references to old sexual terminology in use during that particular period. The discovery of these terms ended with me spitting out my coffee and laughing so hard I had tears streaming down my face. As it happens, I decided not to use them because they were so bloody funny that it would have ripped the reader out of the mood of the book. However, I would now like to share with you what I found, and I hope it makes you laugh as much as it did me.

Some of these were in use during different time periods, but they are too good not to share with you now! So, put down your drink, grab a tissue, and enjoy!

Slang used for Vagina. (I apologise in advance, but this had me screaming with laughter!)

"Venus’s honeypot" (early 1700s),

"quim whiskers" (late 1800s), and, descriptively, "that thing" (early 1900s).

The minds of vagina-label innovators apparently turned to food by the end of the 20th century, as evidenced by the monikers "bikini burger," "hairy doughnut," and "bacon sandwich."

OMG. Hairy Doughnut. Forgive me, these are not my words. And now I'm laughing all over again!

The penis slang timeline begins with the year 1300 and the first known usage of the word "ballocks." This term proved its worth via longevity; you can find it on the lips of frustrated Brits even today, with a slight vowel adjustment. Oh, how I love the word 'bollocks!'

And, English speakers only got more creative from there.

"Fiddle,"

"spindle," and "pulling prick" all cropped up in the Middle Ages to describe the penis, while "bush-whacker," "cranny hunter," "fornicating engine," and "Captain Standish" (yes, seriously) are just a few of the nicknames born at the turn of the 20th century.

OMFGG! Fornicating engine!! Really? HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA

What follows is a list of more Vaginal terms that nearly killed me.

Altar of Venus (1584)

Netherlands (1591)

Placket-lace (1593)

Phoenix nest (1618)

Nature’s treasury (1635)

Contrapunctum (1653)

Privy-counsel (1664)

Aphrodisiacal tennis court (1665)

Lady’s low toupee (1721)

Mount Pleasant (1748)

Petticoat lane (1790)

Venerable monosyllable (1796)

Fancy article (1822)

Mrs. Fubbs’ parlor (1823)

Antipodes (1832)

Thatched cottage (1835)

Cyprian fountain (1846)

Road to a christening (1903)

And in that list is the one that made me laugh out loud the most, and has me screaming now. 'Lady's Low Toupee'. OMG !!! HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHA

And then we have more Cock terms.

Maypole (1621)

Pioneer of nature (1653)

Master John Goodfellow (1653)

Generating tool (1653)

Evesdropper (1653)

Cyprian scepter (1653)

Don Cypriano (1653)

Matrimonial peacemaker (1708)

Gentleman usher (1719)

Rule of three (1720)—this refers to the whole genital area

Silent flute (1720)

Arbor vitae (1732)

Impudence (1783)

Staff of life (1836)

Mr. Peaslin (1883)

Credentials (1895)

And there we have it, the most comprehensive list of cock I think you will ever find!

You can probably see why I didn't end up using any of these. The mood of the book is deeply romantic, and very sinister, and this rather magnificent list of historical slang words would have just pulled on your staff of life and tickled your lady garden!

Writing 'The Man Inside Me' was one of the most intense and interesting writing experiences for me yet. There is so much passion and intrigue inside those pages, and a romance that I hope will fill your heart with absolute joy. But it is also a book of high sexuality, where sex is explored from the viewpoint of total and complete love as well as intense darkness and brutality. So while this hysterical list was quite the find, it did not work in the context of the book.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you will give this book a go!

Bye for now, and much love to you, my friends xxxxxxx